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Transcript

The question I would like to discuss with you today is “Is it okay if I’m not interested in dating?” A question that haunts the single population of the world. In general, there are two types of single people. The first type consists of people who are single because they haven’t found a good match yet, while the second type consists of people who are single because they are not looking. Now, if you have ever wondered why you don’t have any interest in dating as much as everybody else, then you probably belong to the second group. And while initially it doesn’t seem like a problem for you, doubts start to rise as you get older and your friends are slowly moving to a new phase of life, where they are finally ready for commitment in a long term relationship. One by one, your friends are getting married. All of a sudden, people start asking you annoying questions like “Why are you still single?” or “By when do you plan to be married?” or even something like “Hey, I know someone who might be good for you. You want me to set you up?” And just like that, those family events, work parties and social gatherings suddenly don’t feel as interesting anymore.

Don’t worry. Doubting your own choice and asking questions about it, is not a bad thing to do. On the contrary, it shows your willingness for self introspection and development. So, first thing first, I want you to be grateful for having this doubtness arising in yourself. Give yourself some appreciation and don’t be so hard on yourself. After you have done that, then we can proceed to validate whether this doubt is legitimate or not. The first way to do this, is to check where a romantic relationship is in your priority list right now. Every one of us has priorities in our life, no matter if we are actively putting some thoughts into it or not. This first way is relatively easy. You just need to check whether dating is a top priority for you right now. If it isn’t, then you have nothing to worry about. You are just not into it right now. But if after some thinking you realize that dating is actually a priority for you, but somehow you don’t feel like putting the effort to find a date, then you need some more introspections to do. There seems to be other reasons that are holding you back from moving, whether you realize it or not. 

Now, there could be multiple other reasons besides prioritization, and you need to find the ones that are relevant in your case and validate them. Another reason might be: you are simply not ready for commitment yet. Take another step back and evaluate your readiness for long term commitment. Right now, in this moment of time, can you see yourself committing to one person for a long period of time? Ask yourself this simple yes or no question. Whatever the answer is, it has to be in line with your general stance towards dating. However, you have to know that readiness of commitment is not only determined by feelings, but also about facts. Feeling ready and actually being ready sometimes doesn’t go hand in hand. You can feel that you are ready for commitment by proving that you can maintain a relationship with the same person for 10 years straight. Truth is, if you are still selfish and inconsiderate towards your partner, then the facts will say otherwise. So, assess yourself properly with the metric of commitment readiness. If you determine that you are not ready for commitment yet, great! That means putting off dating is mostly an okay thing for you to do right now. On the other hand, if you found out that you are actually ready for commitment, that means your work is not done yet and you need to keep digging on the reasons why you are denying the urge.

The last reason that I want to share with you is probably the top of the cake. Based on my findings, another popular reason why people avoid dating despite their readiness for commitment, is painful experience. Yes. Heartbreaks and letdowns. To make things even worse, these ugly feelings might not always come as obvious as we thought it would. I have witnessed a lot of people who didn’t realize the presence of bitter feelings towards a past experience in their dating life, and it has affected the way they see relationships without them knowing. Maybe we keep telling ourselves, “He broke my heart, but I’ve moved on!” or “Yeah, it’s sad. We are just not meant for each other”. These responses seem wise, but sometimes it can drag us to the pitfall of not dealing with it. At all. Over time, it gets buried and unresolved. When this happens to us, it clouds our judgements towards dating itself, making us avoid dating for the wrong reasons. So, lastly, you have to make sure that you are not abstaining because of the bitter past experiences in your romantic life. Not wanting something is not the same as avoiding something. Fundamentally, having no interest in romantic relationships is not necessarily wrong, as long as we can convince ourselves, and maybe other people if you want, that we are doing it for the right reasons. That way, we can save ourselves from being provoked by other people’s standards and do what is good and right for our own selves.

So, do you think you are abstaining from dating for the right reasons? I would love to hear what you think! Shoot me an email at dannis@lifeforexperts.com. Or, connect with me through my website in LifeForExperts.com, my Twitter in @lifeforexperts, or my Instagram in @lifeforexpert without the letter “s” at the end.

Thank you for trusting Life For Experts. Never stop learning to become an expert in life. I’m Dannis, and I will see you next time. Bye!

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